HR – Humourless Resources

A creative working at a corporate puts the moron in oxymoron. I am one of these morons. 

In the corporate world, everyone knows about the phantom ‘revolving door’ – the door that hits companies hard in the nose because the employees are in a rush to bail faster than the rats on the Titanic. 

Remember the Indigo Airlines ad with the crew on a conveyor belt? Us corporate creative cyborgs are lined up like sushi, always hoping to get off that conveyor belt and risk running through the dizzying frenzy of the revolving doors; assuming naively that there’s a utopian work haven on the other side. And to usher us from this world to the next are the perky, but humourless HR departments.

Our venerable Hangry Rangers are the ultimate corporate cheerleaders, marching to the beat of their own drums. Their anthem is called ‘Pointless Processes and Sucker Strategies’. They are much like the Stormtroopers, pledging ‘love, loyalty and allegiance to their Death Star and only to their Death Star, in sycophancy and wealth, till death do us part.’ 

A typical day in the life of the Helvetica Redundancy starts with a to do list:

• Fire someone (to work up an appetite)
• Have a long lunch (Okay, brunch!)
• Impose rules that makes the Nazis look like unicorns galloping over rainbows
• Ghost potential employees so as to render them desperate stalkers
• Hire someone urgently (self imposed deadline – 2024)
• Give the suckers a job title no one else will hire them for 
• Pay with Sodexo and make it sound generous
• Postpone sexual harassment workshop until something actually happens
• Plan mandatory Secret Santa party so no one can go home early during the holidays
• Leave office by 5pm to work on side cupcake business

The Heavy Radiation department of any company is a breed unto itself, one that must be closely studied. They are masterful shapeshifters, at times stoic droids — much like Katrina Kaif* in well…every movie; especially when probed about compensation upgrades. At other times they are like former class monitors who’ve grown up to follow the Yogi Adityanath’s Romeo Police* model of enforcing rules. Often, they are so pregnant with their moral high-ground that they can barely see their own feet. 

The Hackysaurus Retardus species blends in well with the humans, looking and cooking just like us. However, if you ever speak to one, they sound just like Siri, without the wit. Or the service. To understand such a despotic species, we must know where they come from and how they were formed. Unlike us, the Hitler Reverers did not come from the primordial soup. They dawned on Earth, fully (de)formed, with stars in their eyes and dreams of becoming… Dan, dan, dan… Government babus*!

Growing up, the way we idolised Rajnikanth*, or Sharon Stone, or Bobby Deol*, these Happiness Robbers idolised the government babus and dreamt earnestly of becoming Another Brick in the Wall. If you’ve ever been to the post office, you know the impassive stances, so lacking in purpose; their body language, so impressively listless! These Harrowing Rogues emulated the babus to perfection and the students eventually surpassed the masters!

Armed with the personality of a cookie cutter, their ambition eventually landed them in dark cubicles. Here they rise tall, swinging lamps at the speed of a slow clap, over our faces. They learnt to conduct their interrogations brilliantly, so as to infantilise you into believing you’re a preschooler. So, here I am face to face with one of them who’s interviewing me for a job on the other side of the aforementioned revolving door. 

She asks, “As a creative, do you get along with your Marketing Department?”

I say, “Does Modi* get along with Amit Shah*?”
She gives me a look of “hain!??”
I rephrase, “Yes, mostly we do.”
She persists, “What is the biggest fight you’ve had with the Marketing Dept?” 
I respond, “The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club”. 

But the polyester clad robot, despite my mini rebellion, remains unamused and of course unaware of Brad Pitt.  

She asks, “What is the most creative project you have done?”
I quip, “The one where we won an argument with Marketing.”

Needless to say I did not get that job. 

But eventually having passed through the gates of the Hell Raising dept. at another conveyor belt, I believed I had managed to squeeze through the revolving doors unnoticed. But not quite! The sneaky Hex Reapers caught me for an exit interview for an ethics lesson:

She said, “You’re on your notice period na? That means you have to stay in the office all day. Even if you don’t have to work.” 
Me: “Why? My handover is complete. And I still clock in everyday. There’s just no work so why can’t I leave early?”
Her: “But its unethical na?”
Steam out of my ears says: A rapist preaching feminism would be less offensive right now.
Me instead, “Speaking of ethics, don’t you leave early everyday to work on your side cupcake business?
She, “Ok, fine. But make sure you are not working for anyone else during your notice period.”
Me: “Oh so we’re not talking about ethics anymore?”

Hypocrisy Republic pretends to get on a call and disappears into the labyrinth of cubicles from where her retractable umbilical cord wheels her back. 

I proceed to steal the oxy from oxymoron and numb myself for eternity. 

We have many evils plaguing humanity.
Diseases are plaguing the world but what kills them softly is the common cold.
Global warming is destroying the earth but what’s killing it slowly are plastic straws.
Corporatisation is proving lethal to human freedom but what’s killing it pettily is the Hardly Respectable department. 

Can we dare to dream of a world without the common cold or plastic straws or HR? 

We can only hope for such attrition.

GLOSSARY OF TERMS:

– Katrina Kaif – a Bollywood actress, know for her ‘deer caught in the headlights’ method of acting.

– Yogi Adityanath’s Romeo police – Chief Minister of the state of Uttar Pradesh who introduced a vigilante/moral policing squad in a democracy, just because.

– Govt. babus – govt. workers who are lazy, corrupt and sociopathic.

– Rajnikanth – a South Indian movie star who defies physics and logic.

– Bobby Deol – a popular Bollywood actor in the 90s, that I am ashamed to have liked back then.

– Modi – Narendra Modi, the Prime Minister of India and another man who defies logic.

– Amit Shah – Minister of Affairs of India. Condi Rice to Modi’s George Bush. India’s Putin.