Last year, I was bombarded with this song called ‘Apna Time Aayega’ and I knew it spoke my truth. My time has come! So turn on your blacklights, and bang on those thalis, because it’s my time to shine! (Insert Shahrukh pose here.)
My name is Viral Desai and I’m a germaphobe. Mean kids have been pointing out the irony of that since 4th standard when we learnt what viruses were, but long before we knew what it meant to ‘go viral’. Btw, my name is pronounced ‘Vee-ral’, which in India means ‘precious’ or ‘priceless’. Not that you care. You’re still gonna call me ‘viral’, you cold-hearted cows!
Well…get your Dalgona and sit back, because I have a story to tell.
Poe is about to meet Kafka.
It was the summer of ’89. I was 9 years old and had gone with my family to Shimla to stay at our uncle’s farmhouse. We called it a farmhouse but it was more of a cottage in the forest. One evening, I was playing hide and seek with the household help (there were no other kids to play with) and I decided to hide in the basement. I had just discovered the basement to my delight and I was so sure that no one could find me there. Never have I ever hated being right so much.
I hid under a dusty table and waited for them to start looking for me. But it so happened that my uncle had spotted a snake in the garden just then, and the help had gone to catch it and dispose of it in the forest. The rest of my family had gathered outside to discuss whether a nagin dance can truly hypnotise a snake and they never wondered why I wasn’t part of the general white noise.
Soon I got restless and it was already pretty dark in there. I decided to peek outside to see why I was being introduced to an eerie silence. To my utter horror, I had locked myself in there!
The fear I felt that day is something that even Alfred Hitchcock can’t manifest. That day I realised what an infestation felt like. Creepy crawlies all over me, in the dark, and my muffled screams going unheard for what felt like an eternity! Excuse me while I take a paper-bagging break.
So where was I? Ahh, at the beginning. Since that day, as you can imagine, my germaphobia was born (also known as mysophobia, verminophobia, and bacillophobia). Over time, despite all the therapists, antihistamines, and the hospital grade accoutrements, my family and close friends have learnt to deal with my isolated lifestyle. No man is an island, but yours truly was. I started taking social distancing tips from Robinson Crusoe. My room turned into the most isolated and sterilised haven in the four-hospital-radius.
Going to school was no longer an option for me. Being so lovingly called not just ‘viral but ‘Keeda’, ‘Nirma’, ‘Bai-saab’, ’German’ and such, were just perks compared to the dust, the loos, the sweaty shovelling, and the worst of all – the sports. It’s a time I will always remember warmly.
My parents were not equipped to home-school me. Very generously, my school teachers offered to give me private tuitions. It wasn’t a Zoom Classroom like these privileged kids have today; but it was still better to have to deal with only six snotty kids in a class instead of 40.
I had no choice but to become a recluse, which in India is considered just a step below being possessed. Aunties invited themselves over to suggest jaaps and havans. Uncles came to offer me beers and ‘man me up’. Can you imagine drinking anything that fermented, that’s just been sitting collecting germs!? I’d rather have a visible stain on my whites. Actually no, that’s painful too.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, my existential pity party. I’ve had the most thoughtful friends, who used to gift me cleaning supplies on my birthday. I could’ve become a poster child for the AAP govt, had it existed back then. It’s not as if I didn’t have hobbies and dreams! I used to daydream of becoming an astronaut when I grew up and live in my own happy little bubble. While you ‘germies’ wanted to be a superhero or a porn star (assuming this is true for all boys), my fantasy was rife with the idea of floating around a shiny white breathable suit, where no one would expect me to touch or be touched!
Being normal or treated normally has never been an option for me. The closest I got to normalcy were just the jokes I was subjected to. I once dated an older woman and my friends called her ‘anti’-viral. Get it? Being called Shiney Ahuja throughout my college days was not cool guys. Not cool.
After years of therapy, medications, lifestyle adjustments, taunts from relatives and memes from friends, I can say I am finally well-adjusted into being just a normal germaphobe.
I’m not entirely alone in this perverse world you unhygienic lunatics occupy. My fear of invisible microscopic germs festering and procreating at the rate of Tiktok videos is shared by a few others. But none of them feel as strongly as I do and to remain socially acceptable, they will politely share food from their plates and deal with the crushing anxiety in private. The thought of that is only slightly more horrifying than these prodigal youths licking toilet seats to disprove Covid-19 as dangerous! I need a sanitising break. Brb.
Back. On a scale of Nick Cage in Matchstick Men, to Leo in Aviator as Howard Hughes, I’m more of a Sheldon Cooper. And my dream girl is, of course, none other than the glorious Monica Geller. That episode where she’s cleaning her vacuum cleaner with a dust buster, oh it made my heart swoon! Sigh…! I wish she was real.
Like Monica, I spend about 3-5 hours in a day cleaning. In my hazmat suit. My bai likes to supervise and micromanage me while I do this. She’s my spot checker and will let me know where I’ve missed a spot. I may be overpaying her, but now she’s grown accustomed to her own hazmat suit.
While my day job is labour intensive, I moonlight as a zorb ball player and will soon create my own league. Rolling in a plastic bubble is my next best option to becoming an astronaut. I’m kidding! If only that were true. But imagine, if in the post Covid world, everyone starts rolling to work in their zorb balls. Wouldn’t that make life a lot more bearable?!
In reality, I’ve chosen to be a humble writer. But hey, don’t mistake me for boring just because my anxieties can compete with Charlie Brown’s. I don’t just clean and write evocative pathos such as this heart-rending saga.
I love reading comics (and yes they’re preserved with a Sheldon Cooper approval rating). I am a music lover and I can dance like no one’s watching (because no one usually is). I make restaurant-quality food, by which I mean Zomato can award me the ‘Food Hygiene’ badge. I’m also a great photographer, as long as something eventful happens outside my window.
I am picky about movies and shows. I like the relatable ones where mysophobia is the hero and huggers are the villains. It makes me feel normal and my gag reflex is at a minimum. I’m a die-hard fan of Dexter. His robotic precision almost makes me aspire to be a killer-for-the-greater-good! And if I had any affinity for the outdoors, or blood, I may have considered it.
All this is to say that I’ve been alive and kicking for four decades and I’ve kept myself fairly amused in my sterilised cage. And now that it’s 2020 and we’re living in the movie Contagion, I have some sensei truth bombs to drop, so that you all can remain as germ-free as me. The world is infested with a killer virus, and I feel like I’ve been prepping for this apocalypse my whole life. And now is MY moment of gloating…I mean glory!
I am a caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly!
I am a phoenix rising from the ashes!
I am Salman Rushdie being knighted!
I am Batman ready to save Gotham! Oh, er…yeah, sorry, Batman. Your days are over.
(Spidey, you never had a shot with my lot.)
Before I preach, let me make a confession. The whole world sharing this crippling fear of the unknown – swarming and festering, encroaching and infesting – is the best thing that’s happened to me! What a full circle life comes to! Ha! Tbh I feel thoroughly vindicated!
The world has now inverted. Indoors are the new outdoors. Introverts are the new lifestyle gurus. Airport looks are now apron looks. I’m now normal and you ‘normals’ are the wierdos! (Cue Mogambo evil laugh here.) I’m openly sniggering at you just like you did when I tried to attend my college graduation in a burkha. I mean it’s already quite similar to a graduation gown, but for some reason a head scarf is less manly than a gown! (Insert Darth Vader sigh here.)
But I also feel surprisingly sorry for you unsanitary freaks. My life can be high maintenance and expensive, and now yours is too. What with all the hospital grade masks, gloves, sanitisers, wipes, scrubs, soaps, detergents, black lights, and magnifying glasses, I need a medical memorial trust to support me. Fortunately, I’m loaded with toilet paper, so I don’t need no #PMCares to fund me, thankyouverymuch!
Now here’s why you’re really here. I present the ultimate GERMOPEDIA. Cling to it like Trump to his presidency; like Heisenberg to a Meth lab; like Maratha Mandir to DDLJ; like Covid-19 to Boris Johnson…too soon?
VIRAL’s GERMOPEDIA
Germs are like midget-ninjas. They can kill you and you can’t see them coming.
Hygiene is a good thing. Not just because it keeps you and your surroundings clean and healthy, but because it teaches you mindfulness.
Touching people is overrated. Most of them are germy, sweaty, smelly and dusty. Elbows are the old-school Wuhan handshake, as recommended by my homeskillet AJ Jacobs. (Sex is a topic we can discuss some other day.)
If you have pets, kids, invalids or extended family you take care of, you’re a superhero and deserve a bubble-wrapped hug.
Contagion, the movie, has my favourite word in it – ‘Fomites’ = ‘objects or materials that are likely to carry infection’. Doorknobs, switches, handrails, elevator buttons, are all fomites. This word is going viral soon (may the irony RIP) and you’ll be wise to learn it. The biggest fomites are cash currency because it’s not easy to clean, despite the ironing hack, so try and be as cashless as possible. For everything else, sanitising is the only option.
Since sanitisers are more in demand than sex right now, you can find an easy online homemade recipe for it. Be sure to wear industrial strength gloves for it, though. Alcohol can burn your skin off.
When you’re Indoors
and cleaning, believe that you’re a surgeon in an operating room. Touch only what you must. This is not a sexy nurse fantasy. Don’t be disappointed if there isn’t a McSteamy in your vicinity.
- Most Indians don’t know this, but COVER YOUR MOUTH when you sneeze, sniffle, cough, wheeze, whimper, or sometimes even speak.
- Equip your home with tissue boxes and sanitisers at every 5-8 feet. You must never be more than an arm’s length away from these two.
- Download one of those apps that remind you to drink water every 15 mins. When it rings, sanitise/clean. (I take no responsibility for this suggestion turning into a drinking game.)
- Washing your hands is more beneficial than using sanitisers. The alcohol content in the sanitisers makes your skin highly porous, which can then absorb harmful chemicals at a very high rate. Harmful chemicals with formaldehyde come from receipts, newspapers, etc. If you like to scare yourself further, the interwebs have a lot more harmful side effects listed.
- Never re-use any wipes, cloths, napkins, or pochas for more than a day without washing.
- Keep different cloths and wipes for different uses. The germ transfer rate is faster than the Insta live sessions cropping up right this second.
- Own multiples of every cleaning item.
- Your online shopping cart and storage cabinet must-haves (caution: hygiene is an expensive affair)
Tools
- Thick cleaning gloves (trust me)
- Scrubs/wipes (utensils and surfaces)
- Mops (Pochas)/Brooms (jhadu)/Dust pan (supadi)
- Hand/Dish/wiping towels (you can get reusable disposable ones. Use a few times and wash before throwing. These can last for 3-5 days. Keep a combo of paper/cloth/microfiber/non-woven materials)
- Hand towels – a dozen (even if you live alone)
Liquids – most of these have eco-friendly options if you research enough.
- Hand wash – antibacterial
- Dishwashing liquid (try to go for the natural options – the chemicals from this can linger on the utensils that you can ingest later)
- Floor cleaning liquid (use one with citronella or neem smell for extra mosquito repelling)
- Laundry detergent
- Fabric softener
- Stain remover
- All-purpose cleaners – glass/wood/furniture.
- Toilet bowl cleaner
- Antiseptic/Disinfectants
Appliances
- Vacuum cleaner
- Dust buster (taking tips from Monica Geller)
Other
- Hand lotions
- Mosquito repellents (I personally recommend a combo of racket/sonar plug-in/lemongrass and citronella aromatherapy)
- Tea light candles and holders
- Deodorizers/Essential oils/Aromatherpy sets/Diffusers
- Lint rollers
- Ziplocks.
- UV lights
- Magnifying glass (not for the weak-hearted)
These cooking ingredients can be re-used as cleaning agents:
- I have a cleaning playlist. If you gift me a zorb ball, I’ll share it with you. (Hint: Stayin Alive, Ganda hai par Dhandha hai yeh, I want it that way)
- I also have a weekly cleaning schedule. I’ll share it with you if you never make fun of germaphobes (or I prefer the term “Germically-abled).
Outdoors Prep
When you’re stepping outside, believe that you’re walking into a crime scene. Don your protective gear. Avoid touching anything. Walk like you have a stick up your butt. Keep your sentences short like Sherlock. Don’t become a Cumberbitch.
- The heat you need to pack:
- Protective eyewear (If it has a built-in UV light, you will have my undying respect.)
- Masks
- Gloves
- Tissues
- Sanitiser
- Urgent medications (inhaler, epipen, etc.)
- Ziplock bags for phones, cash, etc.
- Rubber bands (they can hold anything in place)
- Your dignity.
Also:
- Respect the cops and health workers.
- Feed the hungry.
- Provide for the homeless.
- Tip the delivery staff generously.
General lifestyle coin-drops:
- Isolation can get lonely and it becomes difficult to stay mentally and physically fit. But if you come to a mysophobe for workout and meditation tips, may I suggest you start a Zoom pity party instead.
- Minimalism is key. Remember that the next time you renovate or design your house with tchotchkes and paraphernalia. It’s just more surface area you have to clean.
- Walking from the sofa to the window is considered exercise. It is also considered ‘commuting’.
- Tissues are your surrogate gloves, wipes and masks. Carry them everywhere. (Stop with the green guilt. You’re saving a lot more trees now that newspapers are becoming extinct).
- The colour white is your best friend. Unless it comes to food. White foods like cooked rice, milk, yogurt, cheeses, etc. are super germy and they are your Kryptonite.
- Black lights are only for the strong hearted. Shine it on a bedsheet and you’ll see.
- Digitise your library. Stop reading paperback books. They contain other people’s DNA. Blegh. (Hey, weren’t you worried about saving trees just a minute ago?)
- General rule of thumb for germs – heat kills, cold preserves.
- Sanitise the sanitiser.
Mic drop! Boom! I believe I’ve sufficiently blown your mind.
Let’s wave that white flag for Covid-19. But first, check it under a black light. If it doesn’t pass muster, we’ll do a havan at 9pm.
Bibliography:
Apna Time aayega = ‘Our Time will Come’ A popular Hindi street rap song. Shahrukh pose = A popular Bollywood actor who often poses with his hands wide open in a ‘look at me’ kind of stance.
Rang Barse = A song about the festival of Holi.
Nagin dance = Snake dance. A dance believed to hypnotise snakes.
Jaaps and havans = Rituals to ward off evil spirits.
Keeda = Bug
Nirma = A very popular laundry detergent in India
Bai-saab = Mr. Maid
Mogambo = A popular 90s Bollywood villain.
AJ Jacobs = https://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/a31698430/germaphobe-coronavirus-diary/
Pochas = Mops.
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